This is a passage I wrote just over three weeks ago while waiting to have surgery. It is filled with the emotion that some might feel when faced with the unknown – an unknown outcome. Thankfully, my outcome was a positive one. But, never the less – I thought I would share what I felt at the time. Maybe, some can relate.
For three weeks now I have lived with uncertainty.
I have lived with this before, but it seems a new feeling, a strange, unfamiliar,
and disquieting state of being now.
This time, as in the past, the uncertainty is health related.
For three weeks now, I have lived with not knowing.
Not knowing, whether or not I am healthy.
Certainly, a healthy person does not need surgery.
But, I will have surgery this week.
Certainly, a healthy person does not have a cause to see a specialist.
But, I did last week.
Certainly, a healthy person does not need tests and examinations that evaluate their state
of being, allowing doctors to assess and plan, after prodding and probing.
But, I had these two weeks ago.
I want answers.
I want to know! Am I healthy? Am I a victim? Will I be a survivor?
Only time will tell. Time. It can be a friend. It can be a foe.
It can take too long or be shortened beyond our desire.
During these three weeks of time, while I am uncertain, all these thoughts and more,
race through my head.
I pray for grace, strength, and guidance. I have asked those who share faith in a higher
power to pray for me. I know they will.
I have faith. I have friends. I have family. I am blessed with their love.
Yet, I am scared. So, I pray some more.
I waken, and I pray, in the quiet of the early morning, before the sun quiets my thoughts.
I pray for the doctors who will treat me,
the nurses who will care for me,
my husband who I could not bear to tell I thought I was sick.
My boys, now almost grown men, but still need me.
I pray for them to be patient with me.
I pray for the wives I might not know,
and the grandchildren I might not get to play alongside while I sit on the floor.
Strangely, my anxiety is low.
I know I cannot control this situation.
So, I do not try.
For only a few short weeks, I have been in bed with uncertainty, again.
My haunting past of uncertainty was whether we would have children,
enduring miscarriage after miscarriage.
Afraid to speak of the joy of pregnancy for it might end, as it did the time before,
the time before that, and the two times before that.
Yet, I have three boys. Almost men. They are my greatest gift and my legacy to this world.
I have a loving husband of thirty years. It is, and has been, LOVE with capital letters.
So blessed am I to have found this kind of man.
I feel healthy, not sick.
My friends were here last night, making cider with us in a healthy, joyous, and
jovial state of mind. For a little while, I could forget.
I will be okay.
That is all I could tell them.
I will be okay.
Three weeks later, the uncertainty is past.
I am okay.
My prayers are filled with gratitude.
Life has shifted and been put in perspective.