Wondering

It’s before 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning, the sun is shining and there is not a cloud to be seen as I look out the window beyond my desk. Today, I awoke at 5 a.m.. It’s unusual for me. I am more of a night owl – most of my productive time is later in the day. I do not wake as easily or happily as my husband and youngest son. But, at middle age, I am used to and accepting of my own rhythms.

As per usual, however, I woke early because “things” were on my mind. Finally, I got up and wrote them down – the old fashioned way with paper and pen.  I filled a page of notebook paper in a very short space of time. I find that if I “purge” onto paper, I can usually move past what is causing my brain to be turning things over and over.

I am a driven person. I know that about myself. I have always been this way. The next few days will entail me putting aside my drive to enjoy a special time with part of my family. I am sincerely hoping I can do it. I always feel the pressure to get things done, improve, revise, and function at the height of efficiency. In other words, it is hard for me to relax.

My husband is relaxed. He retired last November. He is busy. His days are full. He smiles and laughs. Me – not so much. I wish I could remember the name of  a movie where a woman, says, “advance, advance” with a driving motion made by her fisted hand.  It’s how I feel. Why is it so difficult to slow the pace, enjoy the moment, savor the victory, and revel in joy? I don’ t know. Being a reflective person, I examine myself regularly, perhaps, too much. What could I have done better? What could have been done differently? How could I improve myself? How could I improve the “system.” What should have I said that I didn’t say? What did I say that I should not have said?

I wish I could get some of that out of my head and just enjoy. I am not talking about being lazy or doing “nothing.” I just want to be a vision of myself I had in a dream recently. I was sitting with  my arm slung around a dog. I had the biggest smile on my face. When I awoke, I thought, wow – I want to be that vision of myself! I looked so happy!  The odd part about that dream is that I have never had a dog and really do not consider myself unhappy.  Still, it was a vision of how I wanted to be versus how I feel I am.

So, for the next few days, I am going to make an effort to put all worries and need to “advance” or  “improve” or “do better” aside and just enjoy my life. I have a good one – a great one – in fact. I just want to appreciate it more. I wonder if I can do it. I hope so.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s