What’s Knocking at the Door?

Insomnia. That’s what.

It’s 12:42 a.m. on a Monday morning. I do not think I have been asleep yet. Maybe, I did get in one REM cycle but now I am wide awake. I am not sure why, except that I am prone to these bouts with insomnia. And, before you ask, no – I did not have any wine.

Let me try to figure out what brought this return of what I have deemed an unwanted visitor..  By 12:44 a.m. I have made my decaf tea, eaten a banana (I cannot sleep if I am hungry), made several trips into and out of my bed room where my husband lays peacefully sleeping signified by the deep breaths he takes. I have made myself comfortable on our couch in an area off our kitchen where we lounge in the afternoon. The mission style grandfather clock, made by my husband as a gift to me many years ago, softly ticks and chimes reminding me it is late and I should be sleeping.

So, why am I not?  I had a satisfying three-day weekend. My eldest son brought his girlfriend home for part of his spring break. He is in grad school and she has a full-time job, having finished her college degree. We really liked her. She and our son really seem to care for each other in kind and quiet ways. My husband and I enjoyed the time we spent with them from Thursday to Sunday night. This cannot be the reason for my insomnia.

Our middle son called today from college, He’s doing well and sounded like he is figuring out life as he nears the end of his first year of college.  He wondered why I hadn’t texted him this week (his father had) and I no other excuse but to say it had been a busy week.  He told me he read one of my recent blog posts and it seemed I was frustrated at “the educational systems again.”  I told him that although I am, it was not the focus of my post on Learning and Connecting of two days ago.  He didn’t know the half of it, for earlier on Sunday I had written a post that will not be published – just a venting to get some things off my mind. Admittedly, this could be part of my insomnia, as I had a hard time letting go of what was bothering me. And, I still am. I just do not understand the educational process any more.

I learned last week that the one new person running for our school board has pulled out of the race, leaving the two incumbents without a challenger.  We need change and will not have it. This is frustrating and also could be part of my insomnia.

My college freshman also revealed to me that he was doing some writing himself. This was a surprise but a welcome one. I hope it helps him process his thoughts like writing does for me. He said he thought it did and will send me a copy of what he wrote.

We are still in the throes of squeezing in college visits between track meets, track practices, and AP school work for my youngest son. I spent some time this afternoon trying to figure out when we would be trying to get in two more visits this spring. Since he thinks he wants to be an art student there are tours of studio spaces to consider that do not come as part of a regular tour.  I will have to work on scheduling those visits soon.

I see some burn out and frustration with my high school junior. I’ve seen this twice before, so I am not as much surprised as disappointed. The challenge seems to run out sometime in the winter of junior year. I was hoping it would not happen again, but see it all the same. Yes, this is definitely part of my insomnia. He’s happy though, a very good student, a gifted artist, and an excellent, motivated athlete, so I try to not let his recent apathy bother me too much.

Transitions. I see them again, all waiting down the road, but currently spinning in my head.  I never do well with them. Loyalty to a system that is stagnant and seemingly not equitable feels like I’ve been personally betrayed. Perhaps it is not reasonable but real, all the same.  I guess I’ll just have to sit and visit with insomnia for a while.

It’s 1:29 a.m, time for the visitor to leave.