Today, I’m feeling prickly. It’s another way of saying I’m slightly irritated. I cannot quite put my finger on it but I do feel prickly. I seem to have woken up this way.
Perhaps, it was a text I got from my sister last night that stated a 2019 medical school graduate (a brand new doctor) of the large state university where she is an assistant dean was reported to have died from COVID-19. Perhaps, it’s because I sincerely do not know how to respond to this news. It is sobering but hard to attach myself to like she wants.
Perhaps, it is because I have lots of “piles” sitting around the house. Piles of fabric face masks in various stages of construction. Piles of papers in my office, waiting to be formed into a curriculum I started writing years ago but just cannot seem to finish. Piles of books, read and unread. Piles of apples waiting my attention. And, the usual piles of laundry both done and waiting to be put away or undone and waiting to be washed.
Perhaps, it is because I feel like I try so hard to do everything to the best of my ability and yet still fail in some small way. Perhaps, it is the fact that I have to remind myself that you can’t please everyone all the time. I already know this. It’s even irritating that I have to remind myself.
Perhaps, it’s the conversations I really want to have with my mom but know will not take place. Our conversations are never deep enough to investigate the why of my activities or decisions. They just are acknowledged and we move on. Perhaps, its because I’m 50 something and not 80 something.
Perhaps, it is because I am letting my hair go gray and it’s starting to bother me. I haven’t had it colored since February. I had highlights done in May to help blend the gray but they made my hair dry. Perhaps, it is the fact that I feel that I don’t look my best is the reason I am prickly.
Perhaps, it’s because I’m on a diet. It is going well but I am not at my goal weight yet. I miss certain foods – a bowl of ice cream, some chips, a very small piece of chocolate (I am not really a chocolate lover), and foremost a glass of apple cider that’s freshly pressed from our own apples and sitting in our refrigerator.
Perhaps, it is because I was doing well learning Italian but now haven’t practiced in three weeks. I don’t know why. I’m irritated at myself for letting this go.
Perhaps, it is because the days are shorter now.
Whatever it is, I feel prickly today. As I told my husband, it’s a mood and it will soon pass.
Prickly today. Shiny tomorrow (at least I hope so).