It is Poetry Friday. Our host is the incredibly talented and creative Tracey Kiff-Judson at her blog, Tangles and Tales. Please visit her blog after you read my post for more language-inspired musings. Thanks for hosting, Tracey! It is good to know what you have been up to.
Today is my birthday. I am sixty-three. I woke up to best wishes from close friends and family. I feel loved. I’ll have cheesecake with raspberries and a glass of wine and be happy. I have a great life, and I’m thankful for it.
But I feel lost, too. I feel like part of me is gone, and I don’t know if I’ll get it back. This isn’t a birthday thing, per se; I’ve been feeling like this for a while. This morning, however, I feel more emotional about it for some reason.
I Used to Be…
I used to be able to command attention in a conversation—
no more.
I used to be able to speak at state-wide conferences as an “expert” in my field. I even spoke at one international conference (it was held in Council Bluffs, Iowa, of all places).
That is in the past.
I used to teach groups of students, both large and small, up to thirty-two at a time, twice a month.
The height of my involvement.
I used to teach at the university level – being part of the faculty at two different institutions
A long time ago.
I used to have high school students volunteer to spend time with my group – soaking in things I was saying or role modeling how I taught elementary students about our Earth, shaping future stewards.
I miss students.
I used to have teachers who respected my opinions, thoughts, ideas, and involvement.
I miss the teachers I knew, those who trusted me and what I knew.
I used to provide community education to those who wanted to hear what I said about conservation topics.
Monarchs, forests, prairies, bats, life cycles, and more…
I used to be able to talk…
And be listened to.
© Unfinished Draft, Carol Labuzzetta, 2026
The one thing that’s been difficult for more than a decade has been conversations, especially those that take place in a group of two or more couples. I feel lost. My dialogue is interrupted. People look away when I talk. They act like they cannot get away from me fast enough. There is little response to what I offer to the conversation, if I can even get a word in edgewise. The subject is changed. This happens with friends as well as strangers.
Part of this, I know, is that I have odd interests, those that are difficult to share – writing, jewelry making, crocheting, gardening. I know most of those are not all that hard to ask about, but one has to know something about me before investing with more questions.
On our recent cruise, I experienced this again. A table of eight made it hard to converse. One or two of these people were good conversationalists, meaning they listened and asked questions. The others, I am not sure about. I got some odd responses when I shared things like our hill restoration project. It’s okay. Most of these people I won’t see again. But still, it made me feel like I didn’t matter or was on the fringe or wasn’t interesting.
Part of the problem is that I don’t brag or boast. I didn’t share any photos until the last night of our cruise – while others were sharing all the time. Why? I don’t know. But when I decided to finally share a photo, I got an odd response. This response was reinforcing – but not in a positive way. Don’t share. Don’t boast.
I miss being interesting or at least holding the interest of those I talk with. I hope this is not behind me.
I am working on finding my tribe. I’ve been working on it for a while. Living rurally has not helped me in this respect. But now that I’ve found a good fit for volunteering, I feel valued in that respect. It’s a start.
Am I still interesting, I ask myself? I hope so because I feel like I’m not. It’s definitely something that is bothering me – and a birthday is a perfect time to reflect.
I’ve bought a book on conversations. I hope it helps.
Has anyone else experienced this?
I know I am not alone.
I hope that our country receives a positive change with the mid-term elections. I hope that voter turnout is huge. I hope for a lot of things.
Take care and be well,
Carol
Carol, Happy Birthday!
Life is difficult at times and although you may feel like an unheard person, I can attest that your passions are very interesting. Your background is filled with interesting careers and home enjoyments, like gardening. Creations are held in your talented hands, as a jewelry maker, photographer, writer , etc. At the end of your birthday, know that you are you, and I think of you as a friend.
Thank you so much, Carol. You are such a kind person. I think of you as a friend too. I know we all have our struggles and this apparently is one of mine. I have to try harder to continue to connect with those whose company I enjoyed in the past, too. Your support means a lot to me!
Happy Birthday, Carol! I was very moved by your questions. I’m sure if I met you, I would love to pick your brain about all kinds of topics. The photo of you talking about bats makes me want to ask you bat questions.
Cheesecake with raspberries sounds delicious! I hope you enjoy.
Thank you so much! Your comment about asking me questions about bats made me smile! I think we would get along well, Tabatha. I appreciate your support!
Carol, thank you for your vulnerability. I love questions like these…our identities are always evolving, aren’t they? I feel like I’ve been a thousand different people (and more to come!). Wishing you a lovely birthday!
Thanks, Irene. Yes, I think that wearing many different hats in my life has been great BUT it also makes it hard to describe myself when asked what I do or did (before retirement). Those in our old community knew me well enough to understand (and benefit) from my varied interests. I have not had that kind of support or camaraderie (which the exception of the PF group) in the last four years (since moving rurally). We are all works in progress; I do know that. Thanks for being able to relate to multiple identities and being seen. I appreciate you and your kind words.
Carol, first, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Cheesecake and raspberries sound like the perfect way to celebrate. Second, I find you interesting, insightful, and caring. Your heart is genuine. You are sincere. I can empathize with what you are saying. Sometimes I find myself thinking: I used to be funny, what happened?! : ) I think as we get older, some people seem to value our opinions less. I think it is also often a challenge for women to be heard. It is a struggle. One thing I would not do, is be too critical of yourself. You are an amazing person who has traveled to lots of fascinating places. You have lots of personal interests and lots of engaging stories. I say, share what you feel like, and sometimes, you will find that person who listens and connects, sometimes not, but know in your heart that you are perfect the way you are.
Thanks Tracey. I find this group very intuitive and supportive. I appreciate that. Surprisingly, (or maybe not) I find more problem with other women than men. It’s hard not to be critical of myself – I am very self-relfective and “in my head” a lot. I will try to remember your kind words. I know that there are people out there than I can connect with, as it happened before. I just have to find them and/or spend more time connecting with those whose company I enjoyed in the past. It’s only a three hour drive to where we used to live. Thank you, again! I sincerely appreciate your kindness!
Happy Birthday, Carol! You bring some excellent and poetic questions today. I don’t know that our society, so influenced by social media, has very good or many answers. Finding happiness is the subject of Dr. Arthur Brooks at Harvard. He’s pretty interesting in podcast interviews and on youtube. I find his speaking pace a little fast and only listen to about 15 minutes at a time. But, his research on this stage of life and how to find satisfaction is really interesting! I do know you are extraordinarily creative and have lots to offer to others…but to your own self too. I hope you find some moments of joy in the cake and raspberries and in the coming days.
I’ve read Brooks before and he makes good sense about a lot of things. I am happy but I just wish I felt more connected when in a group of people. I’m not sure it will happen again. I hope it does. I’ll work towards it and try to do a better job of connecting with those whose company I enjoyed (and whom I thought valued me). Thanks so much for your support, detailed comment, and well wishes!
I thought it was just me. People listen to me when I write but my conversation must be boring because even when I do add something to an ongoing conversation, no one seems to be listening. I hope it gets better for you. You’re only 63. Enjoy the wine and cake either way raspberries.
Ha! Great to “hear” from you here, Adrienne! I hope it gets better too or I just learn to tolerate it better. I have to do a better job with connecting with those whose company I enjoyed in the past, too.
Birthday hugs from afar, Carol & appreciations for your vulnerability & questions. Nature love & Writing are pillars of my Life.
I feel the right people are Nearby You!
Here they would be found as volunteers at our various preserves & parks & with a variety of writing meetups.
Women Writing for a Change may have a chapter near you & some are online. I’m reminded of the Haiku “vacations” (conferences) Robyn has shared thru the yrs. on her blogs. You may find your state poetry Assoc. online.
I envy your crochet skills – have never been able to handle any of the yarn arts, tho I’ve tried.
So glad you are a vibrant part of Poetry Friday.
Thank you, Jan. Unfortunately, although well intended, I have tried many, although not all, o f your suggestions. I tried volunteering for two years (23-25) at our nearest botanical gardens and it ended up being an awful fit due to the political climate in the Northwoods of WI. I do belong to our State Poetry Association but have not gotten a lot out of it. I will look at the Women Writing For Change – that I have not done yet. I appreciate your well meaning suggestions – it would seem easy – admittedly, I thought it was going to be, but it hasn’t been. As much of my volunteering in the past was through our local school system, I am back at that again and so far so good. I am making progress! Thanks, for your detailed response to my article! I appreciate it, Jan!
Happy birthday!
I have long been an outsider in conversations, but I have come to see my role of listener as an important one. Finding your people will be important — there are definitely times and places and groups where I can be an active conversational participant. But expanding your interests through volunteering and moving beyond the things that defined you in the past will also help. Keep growing and evolving!
Thanks, Mary Lee. Yes, I agree. It is difficult to let go of the things that defined me in the past. And while I still have many of those things – finding new groups of people through similar activities has been difficult because of where we live (Northwoods is very red). I tried the library and a botanical gardens – both were not good fits) but my husband and I are going to try going to Minneapolis -St. Paul once a month for some culture, dining, and maybe – eventually, book clubs, coffee clatches, and new experiences that will help me find my people once again. I am of the opinion that we grow until we die – and will always keep striving to do so. Thanks, again.
In the ebb and flow of life, I think we all wonder about our purpose, our meaning, our contributions, our place. I think anyone who wonders like you do, Carol…who observes and listens…who finds so much in the world that is interesting and that feeds curiosity… all of which I see through your posts…is very interesting! Don’t ever stop being that person! Wishing you birthday wonders (I just celebrated 67!). 🙂
Thanks, Patricia. I do think we are similar in many regards. I appreciate you. Remaining authenic to myself is my top priority. You nailed it.
Carol, I hope the cheescake with rasberries and the wine were tasty. Thank you for your honestly and vulnerability. You are certainly an interesting person and probably a person that doesn’t enjoy small talk. I love your curiosity and your interests. Thank you for showing up for Poetry Friday.
Thank you, Jone for your kind words and inclusion in the Poetry Friday group and your salons. You have been very welcoming and I consider you a friend. I’ve learned a lot from you and am grateful for that as well.
Carol, happy birthday — hope the cheesecake and raspberries were worth savoring slowly. What stood out to me was the hill restoration project you mentioned almost in passing; that’s the kind of thing worth bragging about more, not less. On the trade side, I’ll say this: people in my line of work notice that the folks who do the most quiet, lasting work — building something that holds up a hillside, a retaining wall, a garden — rarely talk about it much either. The work speaks for itself over time, even if dinner conversation doesn’t cooperate. Did the volunteering you mentioned come from a similar instinct to keep building something real?